so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
