I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
