I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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