Too much gin, very little bucket
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Couch. On fire.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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