pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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