After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
