i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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