No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
