he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
