I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
