you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
