cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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