I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My penis needs a shock collar
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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