The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
