My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This baby is an asshole
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
