so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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