mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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