i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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