A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
