You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
