i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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