This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
