i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
