remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I checked into jail on foursquare
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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