My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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