Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Randomize
