i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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