Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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