My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
