My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize