Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
