Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
