I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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