Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
