I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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