my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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