im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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