Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
