Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize