I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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