Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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