I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
