dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
