my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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