So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
