YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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