dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
