my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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