I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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