I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
