So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
