Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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