Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
