I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
3 2 1 whiskey
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
