i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
