walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
