I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
