He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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