His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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