I wish I could teleport
i just sent this text using only my big toe
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
