Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
