i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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